Today, the guys in the Goodreads Top 5 Wednesday group had a great topic: Characters I Wouldn’t Want to Trade Places With!    

Great topic again this week, because who hasn’t daydreamed about trading places with your favorite book characters.  I know I have, especially in the past.  But there really are A LOT of characters who I would never, ever want to be for a second, because their lives are so damn awful most of the time.  And here are my top five picks.  Well, five spots anyway.  I had to find a way a way to squeeze them all into five spots, right?  🙂

5. Falcio val Mond

Sebastien de Castell’s Greatcoats series is one of my favorites of the moment.  The Three Musketeer-like camaraderie between the main characters, the swashbuckling daring-do of its heroes, and the constant agony that Falcio endures is a delight to read about, BUT I don’t ever want walk in Falcio’s boots for a single minute: this guy’s life is one long session in the torture chamber.  I’m not going to get into spoilers, but trust me, this guy needs a run of good luck SOON.

4. Anyone in The Builders

Daniel Polansky’s stunning tale of revenge with talking animals as our heroes and villains.  And, I really mean it when I say stunning; it is probably one of the most engrossing novellas I have ever read, one which took me completely by surprise and kept me turning pages deep into the night.  Even with that being said though, this isn’t a tale where all the endings are happy.  Nope, this is a story about justice and harsh reckoning, and as such, I have no desire to ever slip into any of these characters places and live through it.

3. Anyone in Rage of Kings or Blood Dragon Empire by Andy Remic

I’ve grown to be a big fan of Mr. Remic’s brand of grimdark; it combines brutal and graphic violence with humor.  Naturally, from that description, you’ve probably already guessed the characters go through some fairly harrowing circumstances throughout their stories.  That isn’t half of it though.  The heroes here are generally pretty despicable people to begin with, and after they go through hell and back, they are even more mentally screwed up than before.  So, needless to say, I don’t want any part of swapping bodies with any of these guys.

2. Anyone in Manifest Delusions

Michael R. Fletcher really flashed some amazing creativity with this exquisite tale of mayhem and magic.  I mean, the whole damn world is one huge madhouse!  Literally.  Everyone here is crazy as hell.  What makes it worse is that the more delusional you are the greater your magic, so you can bring your mad ravings to life by morphing reality around your madness.  Which means everyone and everything might or might not be what they appear.  And the characters all go through horrid, emotional trauma dealing with all this shite all the time.  So, hell no, I don’t want to go anywhere near these characters — outside of reading about them in the next book in the series.

1. Anyone in A Song of Ice and Fire

We’ve read the books.  We’ve watched the HBO series.  We know that none of these guys are safe from episode to episode.  And their fates have been pretty damn horrible when it has come upon them, so all of you understand my reluctance to switch places with any of these guys.  I mean, what if I end up in a certain character’s shoes before his/her date with torture or death.  No, I can’t take that chance, nor do I want to.  George R.R. Martin’s has written a legendary story so far, but he has also taught me I do not want to go anywhere near Westeros.